Tonight I saw a boy. Alright, so I see a lot of boys, be they friends, strangers, whatever but tonight, I saw one of the few boys that actually, for some strange reason, has a place in my heart. I didn't love him. I didn't know him well enough to love him. But I think, if things had been different, I could have loved him. It certainly seemed that way, a while back, when things were new and different and filled with an optimistic potential that's been severely lacking in my life in recent months.Sadly, the boy in question wasn't in my life very long. But letters, mix cds, late night phone conversations, a memorable evening spent on my future roommate's loveseat, and sitting on the back porch smoking cigarettes as the sun rose all saw that the slightly younger, very pretty fella was kept in the back of my mind, even after he stopped talking to me.
It's a sore subject - The whole "he stopped talking to me" thing. I don't think I ever talked about it with anyone, other than a brief overview, taking the high road and saying that the distance was just too much, it wasn't feasible, we'd still be friends, that it just didn’t work out. It’s out of character for me to shy away from a subject, to not put poetic flourishes on the sad truth to try to make everything sound like a beautiful narrative straight form a rough draft of a Salinger novel. The truth of the matter was that it hurt then, when he stopped talking to me, and I'd known for months that I was going to see him tonight. I was dreading it. I was expecting it to be awkward. I was expecting him to ignore me. I was expecting him to treat me as if I wasn't worth his time, as if I wasn't there at all. None of what I expected, however, came to fruition. Instead, his kind words, his tousled hair and half smile coupled with the same demeanor that attracted me to him in the first place, was all still there. It was like nothing had changed. He was sweet. Of course he was. That's why I liked him so much.
It was just like nothing had changed.
Only everything had.
We didn't have time to talk for more than ten minutes, despite being in the same loud, dim room for hours and when I got home, I wrote the following words: "I can’t help but feel like I missed a great opportunity so far as he’s concerned. And there’s really nothing I can do about it other than suck it up and move on." Immediately, however, I realized that I was wrong. I can do something other than "suck it up and move on". You see, I don't at all feel like I'm going out on a limb saying that the fella in question is the last - perhaps only - genuinely sweet, remarkable guy I've had in my life. As any of my roommates or friends will be quick to point out, I have a tendency to go for "douches" with "less than honorable intentions". And you may have noticed from recent blogs that I'm not into that anymore. I want to like someone. And currently, I do.So taking what I learned from the situation with the boy that I saw tonight and the situation with the boy I like right now, I think I've realized that I need to just be straight up and, when the moment's right, tell a certain fella that I would very much like him to be my boyfriend.
The Bird and The Bee - Fucking Boyfriend
The prospect of this conversation terrifies me more than I can put into words.
And the fact that I should probably be at least mostly sober for this conversation makes a strong wave of unshakable queasiness come over me.
I've never asked anyone to be my boyfriend before. The closest I've ever come is asking someone to make out with me and the repercussions of that were more traumatic for many friendships than I can say. Asking someone to be my boyfriend, even just admitting to them that that's where my intentions lie, is nerve wracking. But I know for a fact that the regret I would feel if I chickened out would be a million times worse than the rejection that would bum me out for a few weeks.
Things with that one boy might not have worked out. But I tried. And I'm going to give this new one my all.
...Even though it might make writing about his band REAL awkward if things don't go my way.
