It seems like there's one constant in my life. Drinking? Scamping? Flightiness? Well, yes... But also mainly no. I was referring to "Fucking up". Yep, it's gonna be one of those blogs so the best thing you could probably do at the moment is exit out of this blog. Hit the back button. Scroll down. Close the tab, for the love of god. I know that I should just hush but let's face it - It's late and no one other than the internet is around to hear me bitch so I might as well get it off my chest.You see, the fact of the matter is that I genuinely want to be less of a fuck up. I just don't know how. This summer alone, I've endangered friendships, I've endangered careers, and now I'm looking back over my decisions in recent days thinking "Oh fuck, what if I ruin that friendship too? Or THAT one? What have I done?!"
I wish I could say shit to some boys and get things off my chest but I can't, either because I'm too chicken or... Well, mainly that. For instance, boy #1 ought to know that by cutting off all contact with me, he bummed me out enough, not because I wanted to date him but rather because I wanted to be friends with him and there's nothing I hate more than losing friends. So he already traumatized me, right? So he doesn't have to ruin our mutual friendships too. Bachelor #2 would get a huge appology because I never thought the reprecussions through of asking him to make out. If I could alter it, I would, but I can't and I just hope he doesn't dislike me, even though he probably should. The third of these fellas wouldn't get an apology or a barbed comment. Instead, I'd just give him the heads up that if I fucked things up on that front by being a drunk mess in recent weekends, I'll do anything to undo it. I'd also let him know that out of all the guys I made out with this summer, he was top notch. But I don't think I can say that without sounding slutty...
In reality, I'm just coming out a three day bender and it'll clear up in no time and my spirits will return to form. I know this. What I also know, however, is that I don't want to be 30 and still getting sloppy wasted every weekend, matching people who have a much higher tolerance than me drink-for-drink in addition to still being able to say "I've never had a serious boyfriend and I'm emotionally unavailable! I'm a winner!"
So here. I'm making a concerted effort from this point forward to do the following things:
1. Scamp less. Why don't I have a boyfriend? Probably because I don't know how to say the words "I like you" so I just make out instead. Not the most ace first impression, right?2. Throw caution to the wind and be brave. C'mon, Valentine. You are a spunky, tenacious, and vibrant girl. But none of that counts for shit if you can't straight up tell a boy that you like him. You're not 12 - Putting the Bird and the Bee's "Fucking Boyfriend" on a mix cd isn't gonna cut it this time. Man up and say "I swear I'm not such a drunk mess usually, I'm sorry I passed out in your bed and don't remember if we made out or not, and I think we should date." DO GOOD.
3. Take the "un" out of "emotionally unavailable! Also known as "Operation be less like Kim Pine and even more like Ramona Flowers".
4. Please start remembering more of your evening and don't puke so much. It's unbecoming.
C'mon champ. Stop relating to EVERY Lightning Love song so much and listen to slightly less National. YOU CAN DO IT!
Lightning Love - Wait, Wait
