I think, when I look back at this point in my life, I'm going to be able to do two things. First off, I'm going to be able to say "Goddamn, I am SO GLAD I got over that one guy. Because he was a douche to me." And secondly (and more importantly), I'm going to be able to pinpoint the exact moment everything changed. The thing is that they're changing already but I'm not counting this whole shift as a win just yet because, as someone very wise once said, "Change is hard". Wait, that's a She and Him song and I'm not quite sure if Zooey "I'm Quirky and Indie!" Deschanel is wise. But whatever, you get the point. Change is hard. Change is scary. I could very easily get half way into "changing" and decide "Fuck this shit, I'm going to get drunk and do something very stupid, like I usually do!" Because stupidity, for me, has a comfortable familiarity. To quote Lightning Love, I can't help having a good time. And for me, a good time usually requires more beer than I should drink and the occasional (or not so occasional) drunken make out sesh with a stranger or two... Or three. Or four. Listen, I'm not proud of my past. But I did have fun. And I didn't contract a single bout of mouth herpes yet!
But something's been looming over me for the better part of 2010 and that something has been the nerve wracking idea of settling down.
I'm not saying I want to get married and start a family. I'm the very definition of commitment-phobic, going so far in the past to cancel dates last minute out of fear they'd go good and I'd be "stuck" with someone that would impede me in the long run. Plus, I don't like babies and the thought of weddings make me so queasy that I can taste bile in the back of my throat. Basically, what I'm saying is that I'm 26 years old and I've never had a serious boyfriend. I've never been in love. I thought I was in love once, years back, and I've been with people who I've thought had potential to make me fall in love with them but nothing's ever come to fruition. I've never been in love.
So what am I going to do with myself? Keep scamping around until I'm 36, single, and having flings with band dudes? Or am I going to... Try?
I've made the conscious decision to try my hand at that "trying" thing. I'm trying - And successfully, thus far! - at doing my best to bury the girl who's life motto was "Who needs love when there's Southern Comfort?" and expose the kinder, gentler Amber that lies beneath. Because she is in me, I swear. Buried under a two-year-long hangover, granted, but she's there nonetheless.
You see, after a few bouts of heartache, I decided it'd be in my best interest to grow a tough skin and become the type of girl who only casually dated, souring relationships by being ruthlessly ambivalent and sarcastically mean before she could get hurt. I've had a lot of "3 weeks or shorter" boyfriends in the past couple years. I've also purposely gotten involved in a lot of long distance relationships with traveling musicians because I knew it was doomed. Living on one of those coasts? And hitting the road constantly? Well, that would never go anywhere. So naturally, it was right up my alley. Some nice company every few months, no strings attached, nobody moves and nobody gets hurt. When was the last time I emotionally invested myself in a boy? My first boyfriend. He cheated on me with a 16 year old. We were both 23 at the time. (I was a late bloomer, okay?!) Sure, it was only 3 years ago but to quote that banged-philosopher Deschanel once more, I guess I'm young but I feel so weary.
(Side note: I put a lot of stock into another boy earlier this year but that was nipped in the proverbial bud by him putting me in the dreaded "friend zone" very promptly into our affair. The funny thing is that I feel completely and utterly platonic with him now and it's almost absurd to me how much I dug him.) These days, I'm trying something new. I'm trying to be open to possibility. I'm trying to get to know people.
I'm not going to lie, I'm only a few days into this experiment of building a better Amber and this "wearing my heart on my sleeve" thing makes me feel so venerable that I want to punch myself in the face. I can't help but feel that I'm setting myself up for great failure here - Like, life altering failure. If only you knew! If only! - but it seems that I'm finally learning the lesson everyone else my age learned when they were still in college: Whatever happens, it's probably worth the risk.
Agent Ribbons - The Boy With The Wooden Lips
Sidenote: Anyone who knows me knows my weakness for songs that take fairy tales and turn them on their head. If it weren't for that predilection, I probably wouldn't be nearly as fond of Cursive as I am today. The above song made me fall in love with the highly under-appreciated ladies in Agent Ribbons. Well, that and the fact that lead Ribbon Natalie has amazing, perfectly coiffed, never faded hair.
